Eight Days In The Woods As An Anti-technology Activist

Day 1: All is peaceful and right with the world. The freedom provided by the lack of restrictions imposed by "technological advancements" has allowed me to get in touch with myself. Also, I am naked.

Day 2: The connection between myself and my fellow brothers, the animals, has grown strong. I am one with the land. An ant hill or a stream can provide over 12 hours of endless entertainment. The forest gives to me, in the form of abundant plant life used to fuel my body. I give back to the land by defecating in a small hole.

Day 3: On the third day I became embarrassingly aware of my nakedness and covered myself with a Fig Newton wrapper that I found on the ground. The water is pure and unfiltered and the air hangs heavy with the stench of squirrel dung.

Day 4: I have diarrhea.

Day 5: There is nothing left to do in the forest that I haven't already done.

Day 6: Extreme hunger has set in as I have found that bark and poison oak is not sufficient food to keep me going at my usual rate. In my hallucinations, my friend Screech, Dustin Diamond, star of TV's "Saved by the Bell," offers me mashed potatoes, chick peas, and a big cold glass of Tang. None of this is available here.

Day 7: Due to extreme hunger and unclear thought processes, I have eaten a whole live tortoise. The clouds are as fluffy as a bowl of fluffy clouds.

Day 8: Lack of Neil Diamond records has forced me to consider vacating the woods in order to return to "normal society."

Day 9: The ordeal is over. I sit fully clothed in a comfy rolling chair sipping Tang and typing into my laptop, my life as an anti-technology activist now officially over.